Recently I went somewhere amazing for dinner. It was a special occasion, and I deserved a treat, so I went high end. Like waiting list high end. Not just legendary, the bomb. So, you can imagine how I felt. Doors swishing open to achingly tasteful décor, plush carpet yielding like wet grass at a summer wedding, whispered conversations, tinkling glasses, a breathtaking view. Oh yeah, baby, look at me, I’m a fucking rock star. So I’m eagerly flicking through the pages of the menu when, suddenly, it all comes crashing down. I don’t belong here.

Ok, just so we’re clear…

Photo by Yoann Siloine on Unsplash

So I’m on a bit of a decluttering mission at the moment. It’s my hands-down, favourite, number one go-to coping mechanism for when the world feels a bit, well, out of control. I highly recommend it, as 2020 has made us all feel out of control. To put it mildly: it’s been a total shitstorm—a global pandemic, financial insecurity, political upheaval, you name it. Then — OK, this sounds trivial — but then, to top it all, on a recent Zoom call, I couldn’t help but notice that my temple wrinkles are starting to resemble a geriatric vagina. …

The UK’s most confessional shows at the moment.

Warning: The following podcasts may give you wrinkles.

To get you in the mood, I’ll start with a confession of my own: I love eavesdropping. Don’t we all? Time was, I’d get my fix easily. I wouldn’t even need to go out of my way. On public transport, at work, in a bar, a restaurant — people would be having incredibly intimate, private conversations in public. And, come on, if they didn’t want me to listen, they’d be quiet, right?

I can tell you’re not convinced. Maybe you think I’m a terrible person. Ok look, fine, I’ll save you the…

Zoë Browne

Ageing, disgracefully. Blonde, purposely. Opinionated, deliberately. Sober, accidentally. Writer, determinedly. Human Marmite.

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